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Jeannie Guzman: Your reporter on the scene, well ALMOST!  On the scene from my lounge chair, watching the video off of my computer:

This afternoon, I had nothing better do to than housework, and since it’s against my religion to do so on Sunday, or any other day that ends in “Y” for that matter, I decided to watch the video of the 50th Annual Eucharistic Congress, hosted this year in Dublin, one of my favorite cities.  Today, I watched much of the video on the Eucharistic Congress, and I plan to do so for the next week, if I don’t get too bored.  I’ll be bringing you the highlights and recommend video clips, if I see any that are worthwhile.  At the end of the conference, I’ll tell you the chemical secret as to why one can write his or her name in the foam of a Guinness! Your trip to Dublin would be in vain, without this invaluable piece of chemical trivia, which I learned in 1970, when I hitch-hiked thru Ireland!

“The 3 Irish Tenors” opened the ceremonies, and if I were they, (and to be perfectly clear, I’m NOT speaking from the standpoint of one with a multiple personality disorder), I would not do so again.  As they were singing, “Panis Angelicus,” people, who looked like old, retired golfers or escapees from “rest homes,” trailer parks or Walmart parking lots, were wondering around on and off stage, right in front of the cameras, as “The Three Irish Tenors” were trying to sing! Maybe they were looking for a free hand-out of “Bread of Angels;” I just don’t know!  They obviously didn’t appreciate “good music,” or they just wanted to be immortalized by being on stage, in front of the cameras, with “The Three Irish Tenors!”

With the exception of “The 3 Irish Tenors,” who probably had the wisdom to bring their own sound equipment, based upon the way much of the program sounded, the “sound man” was probably a hard-of-hearing volunteer, and the sound equipment was undoubtedly donated or picked up at the Irish equivalent of “Good Will.”  The acoustics couldn’t have been that bad, naturally, so I’m taking the liberty of assuming that well-meaning audio volunteers (from a local high school or school for the deaf) and used sound equipment, which the Archdiocese picked up cheap, because it had been rolled off of a mountain, were responsible.  I also doubt if the Archdiocese of Dublin had anyone resembling a “Stage Manager,” to coordinate things, to run the various (obviously inept) technical crews and to keep wanderers off stage and from tripping in front of the cameras.  If the Eucharistic Congress actually had a “Stage Manager,” he, like most bishops, archbishops and cardinals, was grossly over-paid and probably educated at the College of Canon Law on the Piazza della Pillota in Rome, rather than in an actual film school.

After “The 3 Irish Tenors” tried their level best to create a heavenly ambience and set the mood for the 7 Day Conference, a local choir sang, and this is where it got really interesting and worth the price of the ticket.  Their second song was a rendition of an American Baptist, Country-Western Favorite, “Just a Closer Walk with Thee!”  I am NOT lying!  (My guess is that they’ll probably try to end the program with an “Altar Call” and a Billy Graham favorite, “Just as I am!”)

Now, “Just a Closer Walk with Thee!” was a totally unexpected joy, as was the final chorus, where they tried their best “to Rock it!”  Maybe the choir should have found a couple of videos off of Youtube of Pentecostal or Baptist Churches in Louisiana really rockin’ in order to get a semblance of an idea as to how this objective would be successfully accomplished! The piano player should have sounded more like Jimmy Swagart or his cousin, Jerry Lee Lewis, rather than someone who played in an “Oom Pah Band!”  How anyone can rock off-beat and ignore obvious syncopation is beyond me, but let’s face it…. They’re Irish Catholics and not Spirit-filled, Black Baptists with natural, God-given “Soul,” so I suppose they did their best with what God gave them! (Thank God the Irish can dance; they just need a couple centuries of practice before they can “rock!”) It was almost like watching Southern “High Episcopalians” trying “to rock!” Now, do you get the picture?

I left the video, when Dr. Sean Brady marched up the isle (with what looked to be burly body-guards) to a less than enthusiastic response by the crowd. It almost made me think that somewhere in the background, someone held up a sign that said, “Clap Now, or you will go directly to Hell and not collect $200!”  Otherwise, there might not have been any clapping at all.  The scene was dark, just like the scene in Casa Blanca, when Major Strassa was shot by Humphrey Boghart as Ingrid Bergman’s plane was trying to leave the runway!

I guess the choir that sang, “Just a Closer Walk With Thee” was supposed to warm up the crowd and loosen it up a bit before Dr. Cardinal Sean Brady made his lofty appearance!  That idea seemed to work, at least a temporarily, until Cardinal Sean Brady showed up on the scene with his body-guards!  Then, the ceremony sort of “Fell Flat!”  He really knows how to ruin a party!  Next time, for safety reasons, he should rent the Pope’s Mercedez “Pope-Mobile!”  Cardinal Sean Brady should have a Benz like every other cardinal, and due to his rapidly-growing unpopularity, he should have his own Pope-Mobile for his protection!  Now to be perfectly fair, the Vatican had chosen Dr. Sean Brady to be the most competent, capable, efficient and anointed Cardinal to run the Regional Branch office of the Vatican in Ireland, as the Primate of ALL Ireland.  Regarding the issue of “the competency” of Cardinal Brady, to quote Humphrey Boghart, I guess the Vatican was “Misinformed!”

One would almost think that the Irish weren’t too happy that he was still the Primate of ALL Ireland and hadn’t been removed by the Vatican!  I hope that he sleeps well tonight and that his conscience is clear, in allowing Fr. Brendan Smyth to continue in the priesthood so he could go on to molest, rape and sodomize over 100 children in Ireland, Wales and the United States!  Could it be that’s why he received such a cool reception from his own people?  I don’t know! I sort of wonder?

For a link to a good, Cajun rendition of “Just a Closer Walk with Thee,” here it is: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKnUEg7RS3U&feature=related

“Roma, a Vatican Fashion Show” by Frederico Fellini

“Roma, a Vatican Fashion Show” by Frederico Fellini.

I love Fellini’s rich sense of visual metaphor and his play on the archetypal themes of light and darkness. This video exemplifies both.  Fellini was not only a writer and a videographer, he was an artist and a designer.  His slightly unconventional, but perceptive sense of fashion design for nuns, priests, members of the Hierarchy and the Pope reflected his rich Italian heritage in art and his innate sensibilities of fashion in the Vatican’s supernatural kingdom of Fantasy-land!  This is a 10 minute clip that is absolutely unforgettable!  You’ll love the “runway” scenes!   The only thing that’s missing is a running commentary by Heidi Klum.  Enjoy!  

 

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Roma, a Vatican Fashion Show by Frederico Fellini

Video critique by Jeannie Guzman

I must admit, when I was in my early 20’s back in the 70’s, I just didn’t “get” Fellini, when I studied him in contemporary World Literature. Today, as I was cruising the Internet, I went to one of my old, favorite sites, Catholica.au from Australia.  I was searching their video library (which I knew might be bordering on the somewhat sacriligious), when much to my amazement I ran across a 10 minute clip of the following Fellini Film called, “Roma, a Vatican Fashion Show!” I had never even heard of it!  It is absolutely priceless, and looks as if it could have been inspired yesterday, rather than over 50 years ago!  Much of Fellini’s films jump the border into being more than a little risqué, but this Fellini video is safe enough to show your kids or members of your church, if it falls into the category of “those damned apostates!”

I’ve made it no secret that I love “Monty Python.”  After viewing this Fellini film, I would bet the deflated value of the Vatican Bank, that the writers of Monty Python got much of their twisted inspiration from Fellini!

A couple of weeks ago, I did a blog called, “The Cost of looking like an Apostle or the Vicar of Christ on Earth!”  This Fellini video neatly dovetails the above blog and highlights the insanity! It can be found by pasting the following address into your browser: https://jeannieguzman1.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/the-cost-of-looking-like-an-apostle-or-the-vicar-of-christ-on-earth-9/

I love Fellini’s rich sense of visual metaphor and his play on the archetypal themes of “light and darkness” as well as “death and life.” This video exemplifies both.  Fellini was not only a writer and a videographer, he was an artist and a designer.  His slightly unconventional, but perceptive, sense of fashion design for nuns, priests, members of the Hierarchy and the Pope reflected his rich Italian heritage in art and his innate sensibilities of fashion in the Vatican’s supernatural kingdom of Fantasy-land!  This is a 10 minute clip that is absolutely unforgettable!  You’ll love the “runway” scenes!   The only thing that’s missing is a running commentary by Heidi Klum.  Enjoy!  Click on the blue link, above, or copy the address below into your browser!)

It can be found at the following Youtube address: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYzRL9YIswQ

P.S.  If you’ve never visited Catholica.au, it too, is a priceless experience, where Practicing Catholics, Cafeteria Catholics, Former Catholics and “Never-Want-to-be-Catholics-Again” get together in polite discussion, sometimes bordering on the insane and acerbic. Every once in a while you might be in for a real treat when a “Neanderthal Catholic” visits to tell us all how we are “Going to Hell!” Visiting it gives one insight as to how those “Down-Under” think, in ways that Americans might find candidly amusing as well as enlightening.  If you go there, you’ll have a literal blast!  Jeannie

The Cost of Looking Like an Apostle or “The Vicar of Christ on Earth!”

(Or Tackling the Greek and Vatican Myths of the AUGEAN STABLES and DRESSING like an APOSTLE!)

by Jeannie Guzman:

Caveat:  This post will undoubtedly offend some people.  If you are offended, maybe you’ll be offended for the right reasons, and in that event, “Join the Club!”  If you are offended just because you actually believe that a true, anointed Apostle of Jesus Christ’s would have dressed like a monkey or a clown in brocade, I can’t help it.  I’ll pray for you!  Jeannie

Have you ever wondered WHERE your money is going to feed the poor, when you drop it into the collection plate?  Would you be so generous if you knew that part of it would go toward buying a wardrobe for your bishop that is actually a step down from a men’s polyester paint-suit of the 60’s? In one of the Indiana Jones’ Movies, I think that it was “Temple of Doom,” his side-kick, Marion, acquired a pet money, wearing a little red, brocade vest, which reminded me of the vestments, which you are about to view.  My question is this: Why would anyone want to contribute to making their bishop look like an ecclesiastical monkey, who should be following an organ grinder and holding a tin cup?

I just followed a link over to a website recommended by Dr. Martin Leahy, and I found these utterly unspeakably, breathtakingly stupid, examples of vestments worn by our High-hatted Clergy, who seemingly have a lot of your big bucks to throw away……… like $10’s of thousands of dollars or “milione of Lira!”  I want to give Dr. Martin Leahy the credit for making us aware of these fashion faux pas that our bishops and cardinals are wearing, as well as Richard Sipe, who posted the actual pictures on his website.  Thank you, Martin and Richard!

The first page displays several, somewhat ostentatious-looking pictures of Archbishop Burke, decked out in his Vatican Finest!  In some of these modeling opps, he looks like he is falling asleep, in others he looks somewhat………… how should I describe it?  Maybe mentally constipated……. you know the look! It’s hardly the “Runway Look,” even though I would love to see a fashion parade, presented by Archbishop Burke and his cronies.  Maybe they can have Heidi Klum as the presenter or commentator. That should draw a crowd of “vestment junkies!” No transparent vestments, please!

Maybe, in the pictures that you’re about to see, it’s the heavy red vestments that make Bishop Burke look like what the Canadians might call, “a little balmy?”  The only thing, that he isn’t wearing, is a Hawaiian Lei or an Hibiscus behind his ear. I don’t know, it’s just one of my empirical, female observations. but I know if I owned that much red brocade, I’d be wearing a Hawaiian Lei or the biggest orchid that I could find, and I’d wear it everywhere……… even to the grocery store! I’d be too embarrassed though to wear it to Church!  I wouldn’t want the other women, or a priest, to feel jealous.

Probably the only place I wouldn’t wear red brocade is up to the mountains when I am taking photos of elk.  Some elk, like bulls, don’t like the color red.  If Cardinal Burke ever looses his cushy job as a cardinal, maybe he could apply for a job at the “Plaza de Toros” in Madrid, as a Matador! He definitely has the wardrobe for it, but he’ll need to lose a little weight, first!   If the Vatican were really smart, (and I haven’t heard too many people accuse her of being that………… at least recently), She’d probably send him a one-way ticket to Spain, just to get rid of him!  Or, maybe he should just stay at the Vatican and clean out the Pope’s “Augean Stables” in his rather extravagant attire!   **** (The metaphor of the Augean Stables, should be in everyone’s metaphorical vocabulary, particularly as it applies to the Vatican.  Please see my Lesson in Vatican and Greek Mythology, below!

For pictures of Archbishop Burke, which will be indelibly burned into your memory, simply click on each picture to expand it, so you can see a larger picture of the waste of your tithes and offerings!  (The links below aren’t working when you click on them. You will need to paste them into your browser.  Where is that novena to St. “Izzy” de Seville, the Patron Saint of the Internet, when I need it?)

http://www.richardsipe.com/Burke_Gallery/index.htm

Then, if your sense of fashion, spirituality and propriety aren’t totally assaulted, follow the next link to “The Cost of Looking Good in the Magic Kingdom!”  I suggest that you get a “barf bag” first, before you click on the next link!  All ecclesiastical ensembles are color coordinated.  This includes little silk socks, which used to be necessary when churches didn’t have central heating systems.  I noticed, the only thing that is missing from these color-coordinated ensembles are little, silk jock straps, so a couple of pieces of their unused anatomy, wouldn’t freeze off, but I’m sure that thoughtful members of their congregations probably knitted or crocheted them for their beloved pastors to keep them comfortable during snowy months.  

http://www.richardsipe.com/Burke_Gallery/Looking%20sharp%20for%20Jesus%20-%202003.pdf

I am envious that I can’t write the level of satire, exhibited in “The Cost of Looking Good in the Magic Kingdom”.  It says things that not even I would dare say!  What is so ridiculous is that they are all true.  One doesn’t even need to stretch reality as we know it, even though after I saw the pictures I thought, “Men, who dress like this, have to be living in a parallel universe!”  Even though the writing looks like satire, and sounds like satire, when one reads it, one becomes all too aware that the person writing it has mastered the “Art of Observation!”  Later, when one views the “fabulous” pictures, one becomes cognizant that no single individual has the creative ability to come up with this body of Ecclesiastical Fashion! It has to be a team effort!

Sorry, but I need to digress for a moment.  Another thought from a parallel universe just smacked me in the head! The vestments shown, on the above referred to website, are something that one would expect to find on the website, “Regretsy.”  Their byline is, “Where DIY meets WTF!”  You might want to check it out, and then ask them to include examples of this anachronistic, Ecclesiastical attire on their website!  BTW, does anyone know what “WTF” means? Enjoy the pics, and let me know what you think of them.  Also, check out, “Regretsy.com”

FASHION UPDATE: If Gammarelli’s Vestment Boutique doesn’t have little, silk, color coordinated, jock straps, a crafter on Regretsy.com will probably be able to come up with something, comfortably measured to fit, at a bargain price, no less!  (Wouldn’t it be funny if a little grandma on Regretsy.com put Gammarelli’s out of business!) Also, for an additional processing and handling fee, “Pseudo Supernatural Anointing,” can be included with every order, to go along with one’s vestments.

Again, if a prelate wants a less expensive route, one can probably pick up a Vatican-like version of “supernatural anointing” on Regrestsy.com, made by a sweet, precious little grandma, who needs the money more than the Vatican, anyway.  It may not be the real, bona fide thing, but it’s seldom used and just there for show, anyway!  Remember, Regretsy’s theme is “Where DIY meets WTF!”  (Whatever that means, maybe it’s new, abbreviated Latin. I don’t know and I’m not even going to speculate.) I’m sure that anything purchased on Regretsy or ebay will be as legitimate as what the Vatican calls Her version of “the anointing,” anyway.  The alternative kind of “anointing” will probably be as valid as Vatican Plenary Indulgences!  (Maybe I should post my faux versions of “Anointing,” Plenary Indulgences and Degrees in Canon Law on Regretsy, and pick up a little, additional spending money!)

Since the pictures were taken, Archbishop Burke has been elevated to the exalted rank of Cardinal.  Evidently, he’ll need to expand his wretched wardrobe, since he’ll probably aspire to being named, “Pope” in the near future.  As such, he’ll need to make his fashion statement, now! May I suggest that he start shopping for ermine, immediately, as there will probably be a run on it, when other cardinals catch on to the fact that the Pope Benny isn’t going to be around forever!  As the saying goes, “The clothes make the man,” and I am stretching the word, “man” into the realms of its broadest interpretation…….. maybe even into another dimension of time and space as we know it!  Besides, what a pope without ermine, anyway?  It would be as ridiculous as a pope without color coordinated, silk jock straps! (The last question was rhetorical, but feel free to answer it in the “comment section,” below!)

*** Augean Stables: Today’s lesson in Greek and Vatican Mythology

Conceptually, this is a very important series of metaphors as it relates to the Vatican.  (I will allow you to come to your own interpretation of these metaphors, since I wouldn’t want any of my prejudices to spill over into yours!

The mythical hero, Hercules, was given several tasks before he could win the hand of his love. The fifth task was cleaning out the stables of King Augeus.  Now this task was daunting, not only because the stench was indescribabe, but because of the sheer weight of the dung was more than any human, not wearing the latest designer, heavy, red-brocade vestments, could tackle, without their claimed “pseudo supernatural anointing.”  Also, Pope Augeus’ stables had never been “cleaned out!” (Was that “Pope Augeus” thing an unintended slip or what?) You see, King Augeus’ cattle were immortal. Much like members of the Curia with their “creeping infallibility,” King Augeus’ cattle produced an abnormally, immense amount of…….. how does one say it in Latin, ………….. “Torus Excrementum,” commonly known in English as “BS!”  Now, this Latin phrase is another example of why, strictly for Environmental purposes, ALL correspondence, mandates, encyclicals, Vatican coverups, etc…., coming out of the Vatican should be written in English!  It kills four times as many trees to say something in Latin. If the Church really wants to communicate with us, “Say it in English!” More people on this planet understand English than Latin, anyway!

Well, the above concludes my lesson in Greek and Vatican Mythology for today, and it uses the extent of my Latin.  I’m hoping that you will have learned something that you will have the pleasure of passing on to others, who are unfamiliar with Vatican ways, as well as the prophetic, invaluable insight of the Greeks, to explain the machinations of the Vatican, centuries later!

St. Izzy of Seville: the Patron Saint of the Internet

by Jeannie Guzman

Caveat: This blog will undoubtedly offend some people, who are unaware of the history of the Roman Catholic Church.  If you feel that I have represented any facts, inaccurately, please feel free to comment in detail.

In case you didn’t know it, San Isidore de Seville is the Patron Saint of the Internet.  Due to the informality of the Internet and out of respect for him we should just call him by his nickname, “St. Izzy.” Because of the tireless fasting and prayers of St. Izzy de Seville, the killing of billions of tons of trees is environmentally unnecessary, because now, nothing needs to be written down on paper. It can just be published all over the world thru the Internet!  He is a true, dead, Vatican Environmentalist, and unlike many others he actually deserves sainthood.  Well, maybe not!  Given his recorded actions, that’s debatable!  But like it or not, we have him as the “Patron Saint of the Internet.”   Always remember, “Roma locuta est, causa finita est,” translated: “Rome has spoken, the case is closed.

The Church wants you to believe that we owe the Internet to Saint Isidore de Seville and his ceaseless intercession, and NOT to Al Gore, who just took credit for the Internet for purposes of getting your vote!  Besides, “St. Al Gore, Patron Saint of the Internet,” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as St. Izzy de Seville!  *For an original prayer or “Novena to St. Izzy,” to be said when your Internet Provider crashes, please send $5.00US to Jeannie Guzman at the address provided below.  This prayer doesn’t contain any cuss-words.

Now, for the meaty stuff.  St. Izzy of Seville presided over one of the first Vatican Councils along with his brother, Bishop Leander of Seville.  I use “Vatican Council” loosely, because the Vatican as we know it, wasn’t really around.  Otherwise, things would have gotten REALLY screwed up!  Maybe, instead I should use the term, “Church Council.”

The Third Church Council of Toledo was held in 589. (That’s AD for all of you “buffs” out there, who spend so much time working out, that you don’t have the intellectual muscles to be defined as “A History Buff.”)   This Church Council could best be described like a Political Convention of 589, sans prostitutes.  At this time in history, priests and bishops were not celibate, but never-the-less, they made the supreme sacrifice of leaving their homes, wives, mistresses and children to go to Toledo for a year to experience some really invaluable, “Male-bonding” (in the Biblical sense, of course)!  They also learned how much fun it was to be “Celibate!”

Obviously, no women or nuns were invited to the Third Church Council of Toledo, because it was “Tradition!”  Why did these holy men need women anyway, other than to cook, clean, do the laundry and empty the chamber pots?  Now like most Vatican or Toledo Councils, a holy male, who typically doesn’t know what he is talking about, throws an idea out on the table, based upon his own questionable scholarship or obvious lack of Scriptural knowledge.  It is then debated by those who know even less, and then they come up with an “Infallible Decree,” later in history to be called, “A Papal Bull,” for obvious reasons.  (It’s similar to what happens when a US Congressman introduces a Bill to the floor and the whole Congress debates it)  A couple of VERY important, unscriptural decisions or “infallible decrees,” came out of the Third Church Council of Toledo, and it literally changed the course of history, which over the years grew in insanity and intolerance, until they led up to Hitler’s “Final Solution,” prior to WWII.

In this Canonically formal Council we see one of the first, concrete signs of Anti-Semitism in the Roman Catholic Church.  The Council enacted restrictions against the Jews in the areas of marriage, religious practices and job opportunities.  If a Jew entered into “A mixed marriage” with a Catholic, his or her life would be made miserable by the Church, and all of the children, coming out of their loving union, would be forced into a Catholic Baptism and later be coerced into learning “Catechism Questions” and probably be forced to learn how to “Diagram Sentences.” Seriously, the not-so-wise declarations against the Jews, was the impetus of much persecution and cruelty, directed against the Jews by the High-hatted-Hierarchy of the Church and the normal, “rank and file” Catholics in the pews.  This social intolerance made the bishops and the good Catholics of Toledo very happy, because now, their ideas of Jewish Persecution and Anti-Semitism could be spread around the world, with what was basically “A Canonical Seal of Approval.” Also every one would know what “good” Catholics they really were, because as history would prove, they would follow the suggestions of Church-directed, Jewish Persecutions to the letter of their new laws! * Please note that I didn’t say, “Christians.” I said, “Catholics” for reasons that I hope are obvious!

I bet that the Catholic God, who was also just happened to be “the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob,” remembered the Jewish Persecutions in Spain and rewarded Spain with the disastrous outcome of the Spanish Armada. Shortly after that expensive fiasco, Spain fell from a place of world power to a place of untold, economic and spiritual hardship, lasting for 5 centuries!  When the Jews were forced out of Spain, along with their money, everything in Spain fell apart!  Too bad that Ferdinand and Isabella and the Spanish Inquisitors didn’t think far enough into the future to expect that one coming!

As later years would prove, the worst of all possible nightmares would happen in Spain: The Spanish Inquisitions!  Here the Jews were not only persecuted for their religious beliefs and their practices of worshipping the SAME God, they now had the option of saving their lives by leaving Spain and all of their properties and businesses behind, or hanging around Spain and being burned at the stake, if they refused the blessing of “Forced Conversions to Catholicism.”  In 1492, the same year that Colombus discovered America, the Jew were expelled from Spain.  They had to leave by a certain date or their children would be taken by the Church and given to others, who would promise to raise them as “good Catholics” and make them give up candy for Lent! (This idea of course would be considered, “Anathema” to the Jews, who didn’t want to need to pray to a “Trinity of Gods,” in addition to Mary and the saints, and to follow stupid decrees of social and religious intolerance coming out of the mouths of the bishops, against their fellow brother and sister, Jews.) To the Jews of that day, these new laws must have been like someone running their fingers up and down a chalk board, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

Sorry for the historical digressions.  Now, let’s get back to St. Izzy of Seville.  Maybe he was in charge of dispersing the news of the Third Council of the Church around the known world, not unlike the ways the Internet disperses information.  (Instead of using donkeys, in the early days of the internet, we just used really SLOW, meandering, internet providers.) If asked if he were guilty of helping to compose discriminating laws against the Jews, he would probably have used the “Nuremburg Defense.”  “I wasn’t responsible.  Another bishop made me do it!”  Remember, his brother, Leander was a bishop, and a convenient scape-goat.  We see the same defense in courtrooms today, in the Priest Pedophilia Scandal, where no monsignor, bishop, etc…..  is accountable for their own actions, as they were “Just following orders.”  (A good case to illustrate this current twist, is the one currently in a Philly Courtroom with Monsignor Lynn, who claims, Cardinal Bevilacqua made me do it!)

San Isidore de Seville, our dear, “Saint Izzy,” was also known as one of the last “Classical Scholars.”  He compiled a summa, or a sum of the Ecclesiastical, historical and Canon Law knowledge of his day.  Maybe that is where some brilliant Vatican Scholar came up with the idea of making him the “Patron Saint of the Internet,” because after-all, it contains the knowledge of the world, hidden in a lot of questionable detritus.  St. Izzie was also famous for an anti-semitic rant called, De fide catholica contra Iudaeos” which translated means, “The Catholic Faith Against the Jews!”  Maybe Saint Izzy should have been called the “Patron Saint of Pre-Fascism,” rather than the “Patron Saint of the Internet.”  Hey, don’t get mad! it’s just an observation on the obvious! 

As you can see, it still puzzles me why St. Isidore “Izzy” of Seville was named, “Patron Saint of the Internet,” but I’m sure that somewhere in the Vatican, a cardinal has the answer, and if he doesn’t he’ll just make something up. When he does, he’ll make it sound really “holy.” In his photo-moment of looking and sounding ” REALLY HOLY”, he’ll be dressed in a lot of brocade, Belgian lace and Gucci shoes, and he’ll use a lot of big Latin words, that won’t make any sense to most of us. He’ll emphasize his own personal sense of significance and the importance of his words, by genuflecting, ringing bells and spraying incense all over the place, like mosquito spray.

*Now that is an idea that I’ll probably end up patenting……..  “An Environmentally Friendly, Hypo-allergenic, Incense Spray!”  No fires need to be lit.  No toxic smoke will need to fill the air, endangering the health of pregnant women (who intentionally didn’t use birth control) and unwed mothers (who unintentionally got pregnant, because their (Church-directed) insurance providers didn’t subscribe to President Obama’s idea of giving out contraceptive measures to single women).  Besides, the smell of incense in the first trimester of pregnancy makes most women, Catholic or not, vomit!

Speaking of pregnancy this is another aside: In the Catholic Church, “Viagra” is O.K. for men, because using it could cause procreation, but for women, using any method of birth control, other than two aspirin held tightly between one’s legs, isn’t!)

Getting back on topic:  In addition to other demographics groups, which shouldn’t breathe in incense, I am including, altar-boys, who are forced “to swing it,” asthmatics, babies, children, elderly adults, those with choking and hacking problems, teens with tattoos, Goths, and those allergic to Boswellia or Arabian Felix! (Boswellia and Arabian Felix are the primary ingredients in incense…… like that makes God happy? I would bet that somewhere a cardinal or a pope is burning in hell for coming up with that rather putrid, gaggingly obnoxious, unscriptural, chemical concoction!)

If I left anyone out of the groups which shouldn’t smell incense, I apologize. I purposely excluded single males over 16, because not too many males want their parents or the Church in their bedrooms or sex lives, in any degree or fashion!  Besides, demographic studies have shown that 98.8% would rather have their pierced, nipple-earrings ripped out, before they would go to Church, anyway! The other 1.2% hope to star as “Silas” in the next version of the Di Vinci Code!

Thank you, St. Izzy of Seville.  I knew there had to be some reason why I started to write this blog.  Now, I have an idea for my patent, which will support me in my old age if my internet rants don’t!  I just don’t know how to break it to the big, Green Spaghetti Monster, that he is no longer the glittered, Patron Saint of the Internet!

(I honestly have no clue as to where these ideas come from.  I used to think they came out of the ozone, until I read that it had a hole in it.  I don’t “Channel” any of Shirley Mclaine’s spirits or Catholic Saints. If you know the source of this insanity, other than being forced to “Diagram Sentences” *ad Nauseum, in a somewhat Medieval, Catholic School, severely lacking in the fundamentals of Science and Math, please clue me in!)

If my writings do nothing else, it should prove to people that forcing impressionable children to “Diagram Sentences,” and to answer daily Catechism Questions are deleterious to their mental health and well-being as adults! I have suffered “PCSTSD” (Post Catholic School Traumatic Stress Disorder) for years.  No medication is currently available for this mental and social disorder.

“Jeannie locuta est, causa finita est!”

P.S.  Previously I had reported that I had named my beautiful feral cat, “St. Izzi de Seville.” Since, I discovered more about St. Izzi than I ever wanted to know (like him being a Pre-Fascist),  I will be changing her name to something more suitable.  The last thing that I want is a female, Canonical Cat!  Maybe I can sell her on ebay.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!

If Only the Environmental Protection Agency Could Have Been Around During the Inquisitions!

By Jeannie Guzman

(Warning: This social commentary contains religious, political and environmental satire.  If you’re not up for it, please go read something else or leave me a nasty comment below to encourage me.)

Today, I was musing, “If only the EPA could have been around during the Inquisitions!”  I know the thought verges on sheer insanity, but we only have one chance to live our second childhood.  Right?  During the Reformation of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, the Church was burdened with something similar to “A Regulatory War of Thought Control,” put upon Her by Protestant-leaning Germans and future crispy critters, like Galileo, who didn’t want to march in “goose-step” with the Church’s fundamentally flawed, absolutist form of thinking.  Those critics of the Church, often called, “heretics,” knew their fate was that of being cooked in their own juicy fat, in the unquenchable fires of the Inquisitions, if they didn’t change their damned skeptically cynical, apostate attitudes and become “instantly religious!”  It was the Catholic Church, “Über Allis” or nothing but hell on this earth in this life, and a fate worse than an eternity in a Catholic school, run by nuns with rulers or Christian Brothers with fists and belts, in the next life!

Galileo was no dummy.  He, like most grown men, was probably petrified at the thought of an eternity, eon after eon, seated at a small, cramped desk in a Catholic School, where he wouldn’t be able to exercise his talents for math, science and “critical thinking!”  Also, he didn’t want to spend any part of eternity learning how to “diagram sentences” or answer “Catechism Questions!” As one of the greatest minds the Inquisition had ever tried to intimidate or control, he saw the proverbial writing on the wall and recanted the contents of his scientific papers and books (many of which were burned, without the proper EPA permits, filled out in triplicate)!  Fortunately for Galileo, he recanted before his own bonfire was lit, and only his books went up in flames.  For his punishment, he was simply sentenced to a life under house arrest and forbidden to share his earth-shaking insights with the rest of humanity, as long as he lived!

In the good old days of the 1500’s the Church’s agenda of “due process,” was like being judge and jury for the accused and quickly executing the Divine Inquisitor’s legal decisions, by burning heretics at the stake, before they could lodge complaints of “an unfair trial” or “Barbaric Torture,” with the International Geneva Convention.  At this time in history, the authoritarian Church was unconcerned with the future avoidance of Scriptural, Legal and Environmental scrutiny in future centuries.  Could She have foreseen the day, when “Burning Heretics at the Stake” would have grave consequences in the media, and She would risk the possibility of being humiliated and “made an example of” by the Environmental Protection Agency, as an internal, multi-“milione” dollar Corporation, which had few concerns about being “Environmentally Green,” much less the so called, “Sanctity of life!”

Just think of it, a greedy, inconsiderate, world-wide, money-making corporation that didn’t even care about the planet and its people, who weren’t of Her religious persuasion, much less “The People of God,” who were of Her own religious persuasion. After all, those “People of God” were “Just a bunch of Vatican II Hippies!” What about the above picture is painted in any shade of “Green,” for you?  Now, a picture like this should cause the Church’s stock to go down in the eyes of the faithful, at least those of a Democratic, tree-hugging variety, who have loving grandparents, who were treated by the Hierarchy of the Catholic Church as, “Those damned People of God, Hippies!” Why they actually had the audacity to think that God was a loving, heavenly Father, and Church should emulate Christ by being a loving and giving community of believers, equally created with members of the Magisterium!  Of course many in the Hierarchy or the Magisterium would give lip service to the idea that we are all “created equal,” but by their imperious deportment it is evidenced that they think they are created “more equal” than others!

After Vatican II opened the Church’s “Environmentally Friendly Can of Religious Worms,” the next response by the bishops of the Church was inevitable:  “What nonsense,” exclaimed the next round of post-Vatican II bishops!  Shortly after Vatican II, the bishops of the world decided that Pope John XXIII had made a grave mistake in calling for a “fresh wind of the Holy Spirit” to come into the Catholic Church.  They wondered “Why” the Holy Spirit wanted to come into the Catholic Church, anyway?  They didn’t need Him!  They didn’t ask Him to come! They didn’t invite Him!  After all,  they had the Pope, the Vicar of Christ on Earth!  Serioiusly, what need did they have for the Holy Spirit?  The bishops decided that Catholic life should return to the “normal” security of the 1500’s, without the Holy Spirit, back in the days, when the Medieval Hierarchy and Papacy were in total control, “The People of God” kept their mouths shut, and it was like “The Catholic Church Über Alles,” all over, again!  

The public in the 1500’s had every right to be critical!  After all, “Public Health” was at stake! (No pun intended!)  Environmentally, the idea of burning heretics at the stake was no laughing matter.  Did the Church even try to meet clean air standards for ozone and heavy metal particulates?  Duh?  Did the Church ever fill out Environmental Impact Statements, before She burned hundreds of reprobate heretics at the stake? Talk about being “Environmentally Unfriendly!”  Did the Church ever consider that the consequences of burning people at the stake would contribute to ground level ozone (smog) and make asthmatics and older people with breathing problems, sick? I rather doubt it!  Sure, in Her defense, She claims to have burned thousands at the stake without ever depleting the supply of “Fossil Fuels,” and making “fracking” and “tertiary recovery” of our natural resources unnecessary, but these arguments miss the point!

My guess is that somewhere in Her Top-Secret Archives in the Vatican Library, one of her esteemed Canon Lawyers, with the brain power of someone like Pope Pius XII (who designed the Reichskonkordat with Hitler), also designed the dubious, “Dottrina del Vaticano di Compenza Ambientale” or the “Vatican Doctrine of Environmental Competence.”  Why?  Well, it makes as much sense as designing the very real and genuine 1982 Top-Secret Vatican Document called, “Crimen Sollicitationis!”  “Crimen What?” one might ask? “What in the Hell is that!”  Fair question, and this is why it was a Top-Secret, Vatican Document, punishable by immediate excommunication in this life, if the contents of “Crimes of Solicitation” were ever made public, and THEN, if that wasn’t enough, being further penalized by being damned to eternity in Hell, which BTW is a hell of a long time, in a parallel dimension, in perpetuity.

(I imagine for a bishop, the alternative of spending an eternity in Hell for exposing Church secrets was almost enough to make one not consider the moral imperative of protecting innocent children from Pedophile Priests by being a “whistle-blower.” A bishop couldn’t risk doing so without the security of an old fistful of pre-signed, plenary indulgences, dating from the 1500’s. In addition, if one chooses to buck the Church by revealing Papal Secrets, he had better plan a rather drab, alternate lifestyle, complete with less than plush living accommodations, a less colorful brocade wardrobe, fewer cooks and cleaning nuns, something to drive which is more economical than a Mercedez, and fewer trinkets to wear around his neck.  The two-tiered hat and crook will need to go, unless he plans to herd sheep, and in that event, they won’t care what he wears on his head!   Well, maybe real men would rise above the temptation to be silent and protect their derrieres from the flames of hell, by choosing to protect innocent children instead, but how long has it been since bishops, decked out in their Belgian lace, Gucci or Prada shoes and brocade vestments were accused of being “real men?”)

“Crimen” told every bishop around the world how they should handle cases of Priest Pedophilia and intimidate those who were molested, raped or sodomized by Pedophile Priests with genuine, bona fide threats of excommunication.  It further spelled out how to protect Pedophile Priests, who were not required to take an oath that they would tell the truth in any internal Church investigation, which of course was for “internal, paper-shuffling purposes ONLY,” never intended to be handed in and graded by nuns or investigated by any police department, anywhere, on the face of the earth.  Only the victim of the Pedophile Priest was required to tell the truth in the investigation!  Now, you know why the fictional doctrine called, “The Vatican Doctrine of Environmental Incompetence,” makes as much sense as the very real Vatican Directive, which was sent to every bishop on the planet, called, “Crimen Sollicitationis!”  I am not making this up!  If you don’t believe me, Google, “Crimen Sollicitationis English Version”  Caveat Emptor: Before you do, get a box of Kleenex.

(Jumping forward to today!)  Now, with the above being said as a basis for argument about putting International Environmental Regulations on Benito Mussolini’s beautifully designed, “Sovereign State,” which calls itself, “The Vatican,” let’s look at another serious problem that the EPA would have with the Vatican as it pertains to the Priest Pedophilia Scandal: that of expensive, unnecessary and complex paper-pushing, over at Pope Benedict’s old haunt, known as the CDF, or “The Congregation for the Doctrines of Faith!”  I’m sure that you understand why it wasn’t called the CDFM, or “The Congregation for the Doctrines of Faith and Morals” for an obvious reason! The CDF Department of the Vatican, formerly “The Divine Office of the Inquisition,” excelled in “paper-pushing,” and elevated it to an Art-form, by requiring Archdiocese all over the world to open their Secret Archives and make duplicate documents, pertaining to the files and the investigations of Pedophile Priests. When documents hit the desks of the Inquisitors at the CDF, they again had to be circulated, probably in numbers ranging somewhere between triplicate and “milione”-plicate, only be shredded at a later date and tossed into landfills or drownded in oceans, in the event of an impending criminal trial involving the Church, anywhere in the world. The shredding of documents, in this magnitude, would poison the environment, fresh waterways and precious, irreplaceable wildlife, in addition to killing rain-forests and fish! (Just imagine the multitude of documents which would need to be shredded if the Vatican were called to answer for Her “Crimes Against Humanity” at the Hague!)  (When you say “Milione”-plicate, try to have fun with it and say it musically, like an Italian would.  I LOVE this word!)

Furthermore, for the purpose of preserving trees and the production of much needed oxygen on this planet, the EPA should require all documents coming out of the Vatican to be typed, single-space, in English, because it takes twice as many words, twice as much paper and kills twice as many trees to say things in Latin! Almost everyone understands English.  Few people understand Latin.  Perhaps the Church only uses Latin to obfuscate, befuddle and muddle issues, which would “Bring Scandal to the Holy Roman Catholic Church,” if “The People of God” were to really read, understand and digest them.  Crimen Sollicitationis is a good example, which would fill “The People of God,” with complete and total outrage, if the contents were actually understood in English or any language, other than Latin!

The Church should be forced or required to write an Environmental Impact Statement on the last item about “Paper shredding in “milione”-plicate,” and submit it to every archdiocese around the world in triplicate, before May 1st, 2012!  Oh, Damn!  It’s too late!  Well, FINE HER!  Make her an example of a corporation, that the former regional administrator of the Environmental Protection Agency under the Obama Administration wanted “to crucify!”  Yes, that was a poor, blasphemous choice of words, but they didn’t come out of me!  They came out of Al Amendariz’s mouth, and that is probably why he is called, “the former” regional administrator of the EPA. (Thank you, Mr. President for your religious sensitivity on this issue.  The US Council of Catholic Bishops will bless you for it, but still will probably tell members of their Archdioceses to vote the Republican ticket!  Well, that’s what you get for trying!)  Now, with that out of the way, dare I even bring up the Priest Pedophilia Scandal (again)?   Oh, what the Hell, I’m only going to live once!  I’m only going to enjoy my second childhood, only once.  Why not?

Now, I forgot what I was going to say!  That “senior moment” is going to be followed by this thought before I go to bed with my broken rosary, my Saint Jude’s “Most Improved Bowlers Trophy,” my AK-47 and my feral cat, who is called, St. Izzy (Isidore) de Seville (the Patron St. of the Internet)!  Due to the tireless prayers of St. Izzy de Seville, the killing billions of tons of trees is unnecessary, because now, nothing needs to be written down on paper. It can just be published all over the world thru the Internet!  He is a true, dead, Vatican Environmentalist, and unlike many others he actually deserves sainthood. You owe the Internet to him and his ceaseless intercession, and NOT to Al Gore, who just took credit for the Internet for purposes of getting your vote!  Besides, “St. Al Gore, Patron Saint of the Internet,” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as St. Izzy de Seville!  *For an original prayer to St. Izzy, to be said when your Internet Provider crashers, please send $5.00US to Jeannie Guzman at the address provided below.  This prayer doesn’t contain any cuss-words.  If you wish a degree in Theology, like mine, please send me two, high-fiber cereal box-tops and $10.00 for a Masters in Divinity or 12, high-fiber cereal box-tops and $20.00 for the terminal degree, the PhD in Divinity!

In the Inquisitions of the past and the Priest Pedophilia Scandal of the present, there were literally reams of notes taken by priests, and tons upon tons of paper used by priests called, “Note-takers,” many of whom were promoted to Inquisitors themselves.  Today, “note-takers” aren’t promoted to Inquisitors as such, because today, the position of Note-taker and Inquisitor has merged. Now, the conscientious, note-taker-Inquisitor is promoted to esteemed positions and given title, honor and glory in the “Magisterium” of the Church, IF he keeps his mouth shut, helps the Church to “Avoid Scandal” and doesn’t report how the Church covers up for Her precious Pedopohile Priests.

The above facts were clearly evident in the case of Cardinal Sean Brady of Ireland, a self-proclaimed “Note-taker,” in the Church’s investigation of one of the most notorious Pedophile Priests of all times, Fr. Brendan Smyth.  As a simple prelate, Father Sean Brady was promoted for his skill of “keeping quiet,” or “the Mafia Art of Omerta,” and not insisting that known pedophiles be turned over to the police or “Garda” as they are called in Ireland. He was promoted over and over again, until he reached “The Heighth of his Total Incompetence,” as Primate of ALL Ireland, now Cardinal Sean Brady!

Tens of thousands of boys and girls were molested, raped and sodomized in Church schools, work-houses, orphanages and Magdalene Laundries in Ireland, and as Primate of all Ireland, Brady should have called for investigations, years ago, but didn’t!  It wasn’t as if he didn’t “know” about all of the Pedophile Priests in Ireland and the ones which were exported to the United States, Canada, New Zealand and Australia!  He wasn’t living like a hermit or a troglodyte in cave!  He was living like a Medieval Monarch or “Prince of the Church,” with access to the best computer money could buy and a data base of hundreds of Pedophile Priests and Pedophile members of religious orders like “The (Un)Christian Brothers!”  (In fact it’s so bad, that if Al Gore were in the running for Primate of ALL Ireland, even though he didn’t “invent” the Internet, he’d probably be elected over Cardinal Sean Brady, and I don’t even know if Al Gore is a Catholic!  In fact, I doubt if any one in Ireland would actually care!  Sorry, Al, but you won’t get this job, either.  Only the Pope has “the competence” to anoint a cardinal, like Cardinal Sean Brady!  Now, that says a mouthful, doesn’t it?

Whether it was the “Note-takers” in the Inquisitions of the past, or the present-day “Note-takers” in today’s Priest Pedophilia Scandal, no criminal organization on earth, past or present, would have recorded, in minute detail, every word that came out of the mouths of their victims, with the exception of the Catholic Church.  Think about it!  The Mafia never did it.  Not even the Communist did it!  But the Roman Catholic Church did it during the trials of the Inquisitions and during Her “Internal Investigations,” in the present-day Priest Pedophilia Scandal!  What was She trying to prove?  Perhaps that She had “Justification” for Her “Crimes Against Humanity?”  I don’t know.  All I know is that it took a hell of a lot of paper and killed a hell of a lot of trees, but more importantly the Church “soul-raped” innocent children and condemned thousands of Christians and Jews to be burned at the stake for holding on to their religious convictions. For doing so, may She be directly answerable to the wrath of God Almighty!  May the Church experience God’s “Dies Irae, Dies illa,” or “God’s Day of Judgment and Day of Wrath” for all eternity.

(The Requiem Mass, before Vatican II started out with the words “Dies Irae, Dies illa,” which always bothered me and frightened me as a child.  As one is burying a loved one, they want to have the consolation of knowing that their loved one is at rest in Christ’s peace and love.  The Church couldn’t even give us that.  She had to frighten the hell out of us with visions of our loved one “burning in the flames” of a nonexistent place called, “Purgatory!”  Of course, planting these satanically-spawned visions in the head of a grieving child or adult would make one want to buy “Masses for the Dead,” or simply leave the Church out of disgust.  This, too, is a form of “Soul-rape” by the Church.  First God takes our loved one, and then we are told that He sends them to a place of torture called, Purgatory!  Instead of a God of Love, the Church presented the faithful only with a picture of a God of Wrath, and for this my sincere prayer is that the full wrath and vengeance of Almighty God will fall on Her, for All of Her Sins against Humanity, for all eternity!)

* When I speak of “The Church,” I want to make it clear that I am speaking of the Hierarchy of the Church, also known as the Magisterium.  I am not including rank and file Catholics, my brothers and sisters in Christ, who love the Lord and who are trying to worship Him and practice their faith.