St. Izzy of Seville: the Patron Saint of the Internet

by Jeannie Guzman

Caveat: This blog will undoubtedly offend some people, who are unaware of the history of the Roman Catholic Church.  If you feel that I have represented any facts, inaccurately, please feel free to comment in detail.

In case you didn’t know it, San Isidore de Seville is the Patron Saint of the Internet.  Due to the informality of the Internet and out of respect for him we should just call him by his nickname, “St. Izzy.” Because of the tireless fasting and prayers of St. Izzy de Seville, the killing of billions of tons of trees is environmentally unnecessary, because now, nothing needs to be written down on paper. It can just be published all over the world thru the Internet!  He is a true, dead, Vatican Environmentalist, and unlike many others he actually deserves sainthood.  Well, maybe not!  Given his recorded actions, that’s debatable!  But like it or not, we have him as the “Patron Saint of the Internet.”   Always remember, “Roma locuta est, causa finita est,” translated: “Rome has spoken, the case is closed.

The Church wants you to believe that we owe the Internet to Saint Isidore de Seville and his ceaseless intercession, and NOT to Al Gore, who just took credit for the Internet for purposes of getting your vote!  Besides, “St. Al Gore, Patron Saint of the Internet,” just doesn’t have the same ring to it as St. Izzy de Seville!  *For an original prayer or “Novena to St. Izzy,” to be said when your Internet Provider crashes, please send $5.00US to Jeannie Guzman at the address provided below.  This prayer doesn’t contain any cuss-words.

Now, for the meaty stuff.  St. Izzy of Seville presided over one of the first Vatican Councils along with his brother, Bishop Leander of Seville.  I use “Vatican Council” loosely, because the Vatican as we know it, wasn’t really around.  Otherwise, things would have gotten REALLY screwed up!  Maybe, instead I should use the term, “Church Council.”

The Third Church Council of Toledo was held in 589. (That’s AD for all of you “buffs” out there, who spend so much time working out, that you don’t have the intellectual muscles to be defined as “A History Buff.”)   This Church Council could best be described like a Political Convention of 589, sans prostitutes.  At this time in history, priests and bishops were not celibate, but never-the-less, they made the supreme sacrifice of leaving their homes, wives, mistresses and children to go to Toledo for a year to experience some really invaluable, “Male-bonding” (in the Biblical sense, of course)!  They also learned how much fun it was to be “Celibate!”

Obviously, no women or nuns were invited to the Third Church Council of Toledo, because it was “Tradition!”  Why did these holy men need women anyway, other than to cook, clean, do the laundry and empty the chamber pots?  Now like most Vatican or Toledo Councils, a holy male, who typically doesn’t know what he is talking about, throws an idea out on the table, based upon his own questionable scholarship or obvious lack of Scriptural knowledge.  It is then debated by those who know even less, and then they come up with an “Infallible Decree,” later in history to be called, “A Papal Bull,” for obvious reasons.  (It’s similar to what happens when a US Congressman introduces a Bill to the floor and the whole Congress debates it)  A couple of VERY important, unscriptural decisions or “infallible decrees,” came out of the Third Church Council of Toledo, and it literally changed the course of history, which over the years grew in insanity and intolerance, until they led up to Hitler’s “Final Solution,” prior to WWII.

In this Canonically formal Council we see one of the first, concrete signs of Anti-Semitism in the Roman Catholic Church.  The Council enacted restrictions against the Jews in the areas of marriage, religious practices and job opportunities.  If a Jew entered into “A mixed marriage” with a Catholic, his or her life would be made miserable by the Church, and all of the children, coming out of their loving union, would be forced into a Catholic Baptism and later be coerced into learning “Catechism Questions” and probably be forced to learn how to “Diagram Sentences.” Seriously, the not-so-wise declarations against the Jews, was the impetus of much persecution and cruelty, directed against the Jews by the High-hatted-Hierarchy of the Church and the normal, “rank and file” Catholics in the pews.  This social intolerance made the bishops and the good Catholics of Toledo very happy, because now, their ideas of Jewish Persecution and Anti-Semitism could be spread around the world, with what was basically “A Canonical Seal of Approval.” Also every one would know what “good” Catholics they really were, because as history would prove, they would follow the suggestions of Church-directed, Jewish Persecutions to the letter of their new laws! * Please note that I didn’t say, “Christians.” I said, “Catholics” for reasons that I hope are obvious!

I bet that the Catholic God, who was also just happened to be “the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob,” remembered the Jewish Persecutions in Spain and rewarded Spain with the disastrous outcome of the Spanish Armada. Shortly after that expensive fiasco, Spain fell from a place of world power to a place of untold, economic and spiritual hardship, lasting for 5 centuries!  When the Jews were forced out of Spain, along with their money, everything in Spain fell apart!  Too bad that Ferdinand and Isabella and the Spanish Inquisitors didn’t think far enough into the future to expect that one coming!

As later years would prove, the worst of all possible nightmares would happen in Spain: The Spanish Inquisitions!  Here the Jews were not only persecuted for their religious beliefs and their practices of worshipping the SAME God, they now had the option of saving their lives by leaving Spain and all of their properties and businesses behind, or hanging around Spain and being burned at the stake, if they refused the blessing of “Forced Conversions to Catholicism.”  In 1492, the same year that Colombus discovered America, the Jew were expelled from Spain.  They had to leave by a certain date or their children would be taken by the Church and given to others, who would promise to raise them as “good Catholics” and make them give up candy for Lent! (This idea of course would be considered, “Anathema” to the Jews, who didn’t want to need to pray to a “Trinity of Gods,” in addition to Mary and the saints, and to follow stupid decrees of social and religious intolerance coming out of the mouths of the bishops, against their fellow brother and sister, Jews.) To the Jews of that day, these new laws must have been like someone running their fingers up and down a chalk board, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week!

Sorry for the historical digressions.  Now, let’s get back to St. Izzy of Seville.  Maybe he was in charge of dispersing the news of the Third Council of the Church around the known world, not unlike the ways the Internet disperses information.  (Instead of using donkeys, in the early days of the internet, we just used really SLOW, meandering, internet providers.) If asked if he were guilty of helping to compose discriminating laws against the Jews, he would probably have used the “Nuremburg Defense.”  “I wasn’t responsible.  Another bishop made me do it!”  Remember, his brother, Leander was a bishop, and a convenient scape-goat.  We see the same defense in courtrooms today, in the Priest Pedophilia Scandal, where no monsignor, bishop, etc…..  is accountable for their own actions, as they were “Just following orders.”  (A good case to illustrate this current twist, is the one currently in a Philly Courtroom with Monsignor Lynn, who claims, Cardinal Bevilacqua made me do it!)

San Isidore de Seville, our dear, “Saint Izzy,” was also known as one of the last “Classical Scholars.”  He compiled a summa, or a sum of the Ecclesiastical, historical and Canon Law knowledge of his day.  Maybe that is where some brilliant Vatican Scholar came up with the idea of making him the “Patron Saint of the Internet,” because after-all, it contains the knowledge of the world, hidden in a lot of questionable detritus.  St. Izzie was also famous for an anti-semitic rant called, De fide catholica contra Iudaeos” which translated means, “The Catholic Faith Against the Jews!”  Maybe Saint Izzy should have been called the “Patron Saint of Pre-Fascism,” rather than the “Patron Saint of the Internet.”  Hey, don’t get mad! it’s just an observation on the obvious! 

As you can see, it still puzzles me why St. Isidore “Izzy” of Seville was named, “Patron Saint of the Internet,” but I’m sure that somewhere in the Vatican, a cardinal has the answer, and if he doesn’t he’ll just make something up. When he does, he’ll make it sound really “holy.” In his photo-moment of looking and sounding ” REALLY HOLY”, he’ll be dressed in a lot of brocade, Belgian lace and Gucci shoes, and he’ll use a lot of big Latin words, that won’t make any sense to most of us. He’ll emphasize his own personal sense of significance and the importance of his words, by genuflecting, ringing bells and spraying incense all over the place, like mosquito spray.

*Now that is an idea that I’ll probably end up patenting……..  “An Environmentally Friendly, Hypo-allergenic, Incense Spray!”  No fires need to be lit.  No toxic smoke will need to fill the air, endangering the health of pregnant women (who intentionally didn’t use birth control) and unwed mothers (who unintentionally got pregnant, because their (Church-directed) insurance providers didn’t subscribe to President Obama’s idea of giving out contraceptive measures to single women).  Besides, the smell of incense in the first trimester of pregnancy makes most women, Catholic or not, vomit!

Speaking of pregnancy this is another aside: In the Catholic Church, “Viagra” is O.K. for men, because using it could cause procreation, but for women, using any method of birth control, other than two aspirin held tightly between one’s legs, isn’t!)

Getting back on topic:  In addition to other demographics groups, which shouldn’t breathe in incense, I am including, altar-boys, who are forced “to swing it,” asthmatics, babies, children, elderly adults, those with choking and hacking problems, teens with tattoos, Goths, and those allergic to Boswellia or Arabian Felix! (Boswellia and Arabian Felix are the primary ingredients in incense…… like that makes God happy? I would bet that somewhere a cardinal or a pope is burning in hell for coming up with that rather putrid, gaggingly obnoxious, unscriptural, chemical concoction!)

If I left anyone out of the groups which shouldn’t smell incense, I apologize. I purposely excluded single males over 16, because not too many males want their parents or the Church in their bedrooms or sex lives, in any degree or fashion!  Besides, demographic studies have shown that 98.8% would rather have their pierced, nipple-earrings ripped out, before they would go to Church, anyway! The other 1.2% hope to star as “Silas” in the next version of the Di Vinci Code!

Thank you, St. Izzy of Seville.  I knew there had to be some reason why I started to write this blog.  Now, I have an idea for my patent, which will support me in my old age if my internet rants don’t!  I just don’t know how to break it to the big, Green Spaghetti Monster, that he is no longer the glittered, Patron Saint of the Internet!

(I honestly have no clue as to where these ideas come from.  I used to think they came out of the ozone, until I read that it had a hole in it.  I don’t “Channel” any of Shirley Mclaine’s spirits or Catholic Saints. If you know the source of this insanity, other than being forced to “Diagram Sentences” *ad Nauseum, in a somewhat Medieval, Catholic School, severely lacking in the fundamentals of Science and Math, please clue me in!)

If my writings do nothing else, it should prove to people that forcing impressionable children to “Diagram Sentences,” and to answer daily Catechism Questions are deleterious to their mental health and well-being as adults! I have suffered “PCSTSD” (Post Catholic School Traumatic Stress Disorder) for years.  No medication is currently available for this mental and social disorder.

“Jeannie locuta est, causa finita est!”

P.S.  Previously I had reported that I had named my beautiful feral cat, “St. Izzi de Seville.” Since, I discovered more about St. Izzi than I ever wanted to know (like him being a Pre-Fascist),  I will be changing her name to something more suitable.  The last thing that I want is a female, Canonical Cat!  Maybe I can sell her on ebay.  Any suggestions would be appreciated!


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